I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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