I am puke
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're like the curious george of whores
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
