Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
