So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Houston, we have a blender
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
