so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
