We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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