I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
