look no pants
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
