hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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