Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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