if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What a dumb baby whore.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
