remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
