I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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