I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
