Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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