Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
