Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
