My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
