i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
