Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he thought i was a dude.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
