Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
