Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
