ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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