i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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