It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
