So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
