Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
