I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
