you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
