he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
