Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
