I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
