She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
