why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
