i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
