he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
