its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
