Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
