I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
