Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
