if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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