I want to walk on stilts...naked
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
