I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
