I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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