last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
