i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
