just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize