So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
