I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
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