Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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